just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
