I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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