a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
