You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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