dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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