Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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