I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
