You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
