what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
