dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
