someone owes me an orgasm
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
