btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
