I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
