Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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