i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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