I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
