i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
