Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
