I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
