she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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