Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
