I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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