I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
