I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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