I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
