Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
