Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
