i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
