And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
