I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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