Ketchup is God's man juice
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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