why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
