Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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