Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Randomize
