I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
