I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
