She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
