I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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