i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
