I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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