This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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