why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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