who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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