We got so high we made milksteak
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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