i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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