I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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