wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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