This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
