I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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