...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
