Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
