She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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