when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
